Words from in the middle of the packing and move out of our apartment (have not left Sweden yet), some time back, was to tired afterwards to even post it:
“I just sat down in the sofa after putting on the dish washer and connecting my phone to our bluetooth speaker. The sofa, the tv, a kitchen table and a small chaise is all that is left in our combined kitchen/living room at this moment. For weeks, things have been moving out, being thrown, given away or placed in to bags and packages to be shipped to another part of this world.
We are moving, again, and this time I have said it is the last time. I have no romantic ideas or feelings left about leaving a place, re-rooting and settling down, over and over again. We have been doing it for years now. A little bit more than two and a half years we spent in this apartment. Before that, a little bit more than a year in another apartment in another town in Sweden. Before that a little bit more than two years in our house in Lusaka, and it is strange, because those years feel like they where much longer than the time we have spent here.
I didn’t think we would leave Lusaka, or stay, here in Sweden, when we came her four years ago to attend my sisters wedding. And when we stayed (the reasons for that takes a whole other post), I spent months with a very heavy, dark feeling inside. Those roots that we put down in our Lusaka house where deep, and it hurt up-rooting them. We practically built the house on our own and decided all the small bits and pieces together, for it to fit our family and the life we wanted to live. So now, finally, its time to move back again! And to get me away from that place will be very hard this time.
I will travel, if I must. Maybe, I will come here (to Sweden) to work if I want, or feel like, but our base will be in Lusaka, Zambia. I will root and settle deeper than before and I will do it with more confidence and certainty than ever before. I want my books to stand in a bookshelf that Mayani will build and I want them to be there and not be moved for years.
I want the pantry to be finally fixed and I will fill it with boxes and jars and fill them with food. My sourdough that I will restart will never ever need to die and be restarted again. It will be fed and taken cared of and bread will be baked every week. My flower pots (that I sent down) will be filled with plants both inside and outside and we will get our daughters a cat and a dog and they will live with us until they won´t anymore.
I just crave a home. My home. I want to lay down my head on my pillow at night and know that I will do exactly the same thing on the same place for years to come.
And how are the others feeling? Well, Sylvia has never stopped asking about when we are moving “home” again (meaning Lusaka). She dislikes cold weather and darkness and would wear a swimsuit and jeans shorts every day if she could. Alice has accepted it and coming to like it more and more, especially after realizing that most things will be a lot like here (access to internet, football and school) and also she is looking forward to live with her cousins and not be the only teenager in the house (they will soon be four!). Pool and the possibility of decorating her room has also played a part.
Mayani couldn´t be happier. He never really wanted to live outside of Zambia to begin with but has been very good at with living here anyway. And now he is getting a pay off for all the hard work he has been putting in through his whole life. From studying by candle light to sleeping hungry and selling cows in Tanzania, he has made a longer journey than most people and I know he should have every bit of success that comes his way.”
Will update more the coming weeks on how a move across continents really works, especially as we are planning it in the middle of a pandemic. We have put a lot of thought in to it and what has been important to us this time, that we didn´t think as much about last time.
I hope you all are well and safe!